It is very hard for me to write this post but I can’t put it off any longer as it’s already been months. I have absolutely failed all of you as far as being Girl Gone Healthy goes….over the past few months, roughly 6 or so, I have slowly let 30 pounds allow it self to take up residency on my body. I am completely to blame because I know exactly when and how I let this happen and I’m gonna lay it all out for you now because just like when I started this blog I did it because I knew somewhere there was a woman that needed to hear my story, that needed to see she wasn’t alone. I hope you will allow me to indulge in this therapy session if you will, I have had my ah ha moment and I like to share it with all of you.
As most of you know I started my weight loss journey in December 2008 at 265 pounds, by December 2009 I was down to 165 pounds and feeling pretty good. I was getting compliments and even our friends weren’t recognizing me I was happy being a size 12 as I had started at 22-24 and knew that I could walk into any store and be able to shop.
That’s where the little seedling called comfortable was planted.
I was working out a lot and learning to lift weights to gain muscle, I even celebrated my 29th birthday in a dress from macy’s that was a 12 petite! I had NEVER had the size petite on the tag of my clothing, EVER and I hadn’t worn a dress in 6 years or maybe more….the seed grew a little more.
My brother in law and now sister in law were married in May 2010 and I was in my absolute glory, I was 158 pounds and I looked the best I ever had. I was in a dress on loan, from my now friend, Kristin Steede of the Biggest Loser and the compliments and the wow’s were flowing like water. I looked back at pictures from that night and thought I’m good at this weight…the seed grew more…..
In August of 2010 I decided to go out on a limb and audition for the Next Food Network Star. I drove to NYC alone, stayed in a hotel alone, walked the streets of gorgeous NYC alone and spent 2 hours in the hotel gym because I just wanted to make sure I looked my absolute best. I weighed 169 pounds the day auditioned. I took this picture before I left for the audition….I thought for sure they would see my Star quality….
They did the exact opposite and decided that Tera Norberg, Girl Gone Healthy wasn’t a direction they wanted to go in at the time. That seed that had been growing had turned into a full blown bush if you will. A bush that had thorns and horrible self image issues and I began to wonder what was it all for. I had pushed my self and lost 100 pounds I was a lean mean fighting machine and they just over looked me, I automatically felt it was because of my weight. And instead of letting that fuel my fire I fueled the comfort bush, I listened to friends and family telling me what good friends and family are supposed to tell you…that I looked great and it was their loss blah blah blah. But it only made it worse. What I needed to hear was someone tell me to keep working, keep pushing, reach that ultimate goal of 140 pounds and try again.
I stayed in the 170’s for a while, the size 12’s were still fitting the medium/large shirts were fine. I was even asked to be featured in a National Magazine, First for Women, in the Spring of 2011 AND featured on the COVER!
I was teaching 4 to 5 days a week at the Y and maintaining my weight. And then I started sneaking my old food habits back into my diet. Wine every night, beers on the weekends, coffees flavored with God knows what, breaded chicken, pasta, cake etc etc the list just keeps going….and I was seeing the scale creep up but not much. Then The Rhode Show called and asked me to come on and cook and chat about being in the magazine.
I LOVED being on TV! I loved being at the station and I LOVED everyone involved with the show. I was asked to come back several times and then decided to audition, October 2011, when they did their open call to find the next co host of The Rhode Show. I became injured in November 2011 and had to stop teaching at they Y and that my friends is where those bad eating habits caught up with me, I was in the 180’s before I could even blink. But I donned my Spanx and somehow made it into The Rhode Show’s Top 5 semi finalists!
I had beaten out 100’s of people to get where I was and I celebrated…a lot. The holidays came and I ate like I was a starving orphan, and the weight just piled on because I wasn’t working out and I wasn’t blogging, or watching what I was consuming at all. Then when I wasn’t chosen to be the next co host it was like the Food Network all over again but 10 times worse because my friends and family had spent hours watching my videos to vote, using their facebook status to promote me, and truly believing I was going to win…I was devastated and I was at 190 pounds by the New Year….and I had to dig a size 14 pair of jeans out of my bin downstairs. I was in a full blown depression and very quickly on my way back to the 200’s……and it was awful. I really wanted to tell somebody how upset and hurt I was but I figured no one would understand. I felt like they would put it off as me being silly for being so upset, but the magnitude of how devastating this truly was for me was real. And even more devastating than that was to let 30 pounds come back. I mean I’m Girl Gone Healthy for goodness sake, people look to me for inspiration, advice and I had failed you all miserably and kept it a secret. No one knew how much I really weighed and I’m sure they saw the weight come back on but honestly who’s gonna say “wow Tera have you put weight back on”?
I finally reached a breaking point, this past Sunday 3/4/12, after seeing pictures of myself at Zac’s birthday party…..
and I got on the scale in front of my husband and sobbed….I felt embarrassed and ashamed. I’m sobbing as I type this and equally ashamed and embarrassed. I was letting myself go, I was eating my depression and slowly I was becoming ok with it…..so what’s next?
I’m done with being comfortable, I’m done with hiding, and I’m done with caring what people who’s opinions shouldn’t matter think. I got on the scale Monday 3/5/12 and wrote down my weight on a piece of paper and wrote down the dates for every Monday up until the end of May. I also downloaded the My Fitness Pal app and threw away all of my weight watchers crap, cleaned out the cabinets and the fridge and decided to do this the same way I did in 2008…by watching what I was consuming it and being accountable for it, and by working out HARD. That 30 pounds will be gone by May and then the 20 I had originally set out to lose in 2009 will come off after that. I’m proud to say that I’m already down 6 pounds since Monday 3/5 and back in the 180’s. I’m logging my food, every bite, and working out 5 days a week. I’m even going to start teaching again and I’m still going to box every Saturday.
So friends, family, readers I’d like to apologize to you. It is with my deepest regrets that I didn’t talk about this sooner or share my depression, I might have never had to write this post if I had been honest. I promise you that the fake, phony, liar and failure that has been GGH for the last few months is gone. I am reclaiming my life, shutting doors and welcoming the new ones that are opening for me. I will never be comfortable again, there is always room for improvement and “weight maintenance” will never again be used in verbage when it comes to my weight loss.
I hope that you can all forgive me and that you’ll join me in this new journey, this new battle….I’d love to have an army with me as there is strength in numbers. I invite you to take a look at your own struggles and get in touch with what is truly the root of your struggle. For me it’s feeling like I’m never good enough, I’ll never lose enough weight for you to be what I think you want me to be….I just need to tell myself that no one wants me to be anything but me, that it’s OK, that I wont always please everyone and that my husband and son love me without end and that I need to be healthy for them.
So friends, if you’re still reading this novel I thank you….I actually feel like a weight has been lifted by letting you all in, I just hope you’ll all stick with me and if you don’t I understand.
Healthy Wishes, T
Find me on myfitnesspal.com teranorberg1
I thought I should use my name for this journey and not girlgonehealthy as she is sort of the past….the new Tera is on her way and free of the demons that held me back the first time!