Fake, Phony, Liar, Failure

It is very hard for me to write this post but I can’t put it off any longer as it’s already been months. I have absolutely failed all of you as far as being Girl Gone Healthy goes….over the past few months, roughly 6 or so, I have slowly let 30 pounds allow it self to take up residency on my body. I am completely to blame because I know exactly when and how I let this happen and I’m gonna lay it all out for you now because just like when I started this blog I did it because I knew somewhere there was a woman that needed to hear my story, that needed  to see she wasn’t alone. I hope you will allow me to indulge in this therapy session if you will, I have had my ah ha moment and I like to share it with all of you.

As most of you know I started my weight loss journey in December 2008 at 265 pounds, by December 2009 I was down to 165 pounds and feeling pretty good. I was getting compliments and even our friends weren’t recognizing me I was happy being a size 12 as I had started at 22-24 and knew that I could walk into any store and be able to shop.

 

That’s where the little seedling called comfortable was planted.

I was working out a lot and learning to lift weights to gain muscle, I even celebrated my 29th birthday in a dress from macy’s that was a 12 petite! I had NEVER had the size petite on the tag of my clothing, EVER and I hadn’t worn a dress in 6 years or maybe more….the seed grew a little more. 

My brother in law and now sister in law were married in May 2010 and I was in my absolute glory, I was 158 pounds and I looked the best I ever had. I was in a dress on loan, from my now friend, Kristin Steede of the Biggest Loser and the compliments and the wow’s were flowing like water. I looked back at pictures from that night and thought I’m good at this weight…the seed grew more…..

In August of 2010 I decided to go out on a limb and audition for the Next Food Network Star. I drove to NYC alone, stayed in a hotel alone, walked the streets of gorgeous NYC alone and spent 2 hours in the hotel gym because I just wanted to make sure I looked my absolute best. I weighed 169 pounds the day auditioned. I took this picture before I left for the audition….I thought for sure they would see my Star quality….

They did the exact opposite and decided that Tera Norberg, Girl Gone Healthy wasn’t a direction they wanted to go in at the time. That seed that had been growing had turned into a full blown bush if you will. A bush that had thorns and horrible self image issues and I began to wonder what was it all for. I had pushed my self and lost 100 pounds I was a lean mean fighting machine and they just over looked me, I automatically felt it was because of my weight. And instead of letting that fuel my fire I fueled the comfort bush, I listened to friends and family telling me what good friends and family are supposed to tell you…that I looked great and it was their loss blah blah blah. But it only made it worse. What I needed to hear was someone tell me to keep working, keep pushing, reach that ultimate goal of 140 pounds and try again.

I stayed in the 170’s for a while, the size 12’s were still fitting the medium/large shirts were fine. I was even asked to be featured in a National Magazine, First for Women, in  the Spring of 2011 AND featured on the COVER!

 

I was teaching 4 to 5 days a week at the Y and maintaining my weight. And then I started sneaking my old food habits back into my diet. Wine every night, beers on the weekends, coffees flavored with God knows what, breaded chicken, pasta, cake etc etc the list just keeps going….and I was seeing the scale creep up but not much. Then The Rhode Show called and asked me to come on and cook and chat about being in the magazine.

 

I LOVED being on TV! I loved being at the station and I LOVED everyone involved with the show. I was asked to come back several times and then decided to audition, October 2011, when they did their open call to find the next co host of The Rhode Show. I became injured in November 2011 and had to stop teaching at they Y and that my friends is where those bad eating habits caught up with me, I was in the 180’s before I could even blink. But I donned my Spanx and somehow made it into The Rhode Show’s Top 5 semi finalists!

 

I had beaten out 100’s of people to get where I was and I celebrated…a lot. The holidays came and I ate like I was a starving orphan, and the weight just piled on because I wasn’t working out and I wasn’t blogging, or watching what I was consuming at all. Then when I wasn’t chosen to be the next co host it was like the Food Network all over again but 10 times worse because my friends and family had spent hours watching my videos to vote, using their facebook status to promote me, and truly believing I was going to win…I was devastated and I was at 190 pounds by the New Year….and I had to dig a size 14 pair of jeans out of my bin downstairs. I was in a full blown depression and very quickly on my way back to the 200’s……and it was awful. I really wanted to tell somebody how upset and hurt I was but I figured no one would understand. I felt like they would put it off as me being silly for being so upset, but the magnitude of how devastating this truly was for me was real. And even more devastating than that was to let 30 pounds come back. I mean I’m Girl Gone Healthy for goodness sake, people look to me for inspiration, advice and I had failed you all miserably and kept it a secret. No one knew how much I really weighed and I’m sure they saw the weight come back on but honestly who’s gonna say “wow Tera have you put weight back on”?

I finally reached a breaking point, this past Sunday 3/4/12, after seeing pictures of myself at Zac’s birthday party…..

and I got on the scale in front of my husband and sobbed….I felt embarrassed and ashamed. I’m sobbing as I type this and equally ashamed and embarrassed. I was letting myself go, I was eating my depression and slowly I was becoming ok with it…..so what’s next?

I’m done with being comfortable, I’m done with hiding, and I’m done with caring what people who’s opinions shouldn’t matter think. I got on the scale Monday 3/5/12 and wrote down  my weight on a piece of paper and wrote down the dates for every Monday up until the end of May. I also downloaded the My Fitness Pal app and threw away all of my weight watchers crap, cleaned out the cabinets and the fridge and decided to do this the same way I did in 2008…by watching what I was consuming it and being accountable for it, and by working out HARD. That 30 pounds will be gone by May and then the 20 I had originally set out to lose in 2009 will come off after that. I’m proud to say that I’m already down 6 pounds since Monday 3/5 and back in the 180’s. I’m logging my food, every bite, and working out 5 days a week. I’m even going to start teaching again and I’m still going to box every Saturday.

So friends, family, readers I’d like to apologize to you. It is with my deepest regrets that I didn’t talk about this sooner or share my depression, I might have never had to write this post if I had been honest. I promise you that the fake, phony, liar and failure that has been GGH for the last few months is gone. I am reclaiming my life, shutting doors and welcoming the new ones that are opening for me. I will never be comfortable again, there is always room for improvement and “weight maintenance” will never again be used in verbage when it comes to my weight loss.

I hope that you can all forgive me and that you’ll join me in this new journey, this new battle….I’d love to have an army with me as there is strength in numbers. I invite you to take a look at your own struggles and get in touch with what is truly the root of your struggle. For me it’s feeling like I’m never good enough, I’ll never lose enough weight for you to be what I think you want me to be….I just need to tell myself that no one wants me to be anything but me, that it’s OK, that I wont always please everyone and that my husband and son love me without end and that I need to be healthy for them.

So friends, if you’re still reading this novel I thank you….I actually feel like a weight has been lifted by letting you all in, I just hope you’ll all stick with me and if you don’t I understand.

Healthy Wishes, T

Find me on myfitnesspal.com teranorberg1

I thought I should use my name for this journey and not girlgonehealthy as she is sort of the past….the new Tera is on her way and free of the demons that held me back the first time!

19 comments for “Fake, Phony, Liar, Failure

  1. Kristi
    April 16, 2012 at 7:35 am

    I can so relate to this post as I’ve done the exact same things regarding yo-yo loss and gain. It drives me mad, and like Sommer, I always worry people will judge me. I don’t like that we have to share the same story, but thanks for sharing your stories. I am getting back to running now that weather is better and hope to eat better as well, though I do best with that when eating totally alone and not with co-workers or with my husband. Making the right choices for me every time while eating with them can be hard and so I give in to the temptation of sandwich bread, or red beer, or whatever looks tasty in the moment. I think Shirin is right too – everything I am seeing says you need muscle work and not just cardio so I am going to do the good home videos I have – Insanity and P90X instead of continue to let them collect dust! Keep fighting the good fight Tera!

  2. April 12, 2012 at 1:29 pm

    I’m new to your blog but the sentence about you sobbing and eating your depression hit home for me. I’ve been there! But remember that you are now taking ownership of the weight gain and trying to reverse it. That’s a step in the right direction.

    After losing over 100 pounds, I started to see the number on the scale creep up. I dismissed it. I made excuses for it. Until it was up 15 pounds and I could SEE the weight gain in all my photos. It was time to own it and make a change.

  3. March 28, 2012 at 8:44 am

    Tera,
    You are NOT a fake, or a liar or a phoney… you are a REAL person! A person that has ups, downs and emotions. You are human! You are allowed to make mistakes, to have moments of sadness… but you also need moments of happiness!
    I have been reading your blog for years now and I know for a fact you are still a beautiful, strong person! You have not failed anyone – not even yourself! And when days are dark, you feel like just giving up… just know that those feelings are not forever. Rely on others to help pick you back up if you feel to weak… that is what family and friends are for!
    I too have dealt with depression, weight gain and feeling of helplessness. It is very easy to get sucked in.
    But you must always remember you are a beautiful, strong, AMAZING woman! I know you can do this… and you do too!
    XxOo
    Tasha

  4. Sommer Braxton
    March 26, 2012 at 1:13 pm

    Tera! Boy, did this post hit me. I am in such a similar situation as you. No, I haven’t ever lost 100 lbs but I’ve struggled with my weight since high school and I’ve been a complete yo-yo for a long time. I’ll lose, gain, lose, gain. And it’s always the same way. I lose to a point where I’m feeling good and thin (but never reach my actual goal) and then, for some reason, I just let my old eating habits creep back in and before I know it I’ve gained all of my weight back. In 2009 I was 142 (from doing WW for several months). Then last summer I had gotten up to 181. I joined WW (again, for like the 4th time…) and got back down to 162, but since September I’ve gone back up to 177, which is where I am now. I am struggling with finding the motivation to get back on track and STAY there. None of this “good for a week/bad for a week” crap. It’s seriously the most frustrating thing. I’m so disappointed in myself, and embarrassed. I find myself not wanting to take pics, and I’m always worried I’m going to run into someone that will judge me. My clothes don’t fit well and I hate the way I look. But, when I need a little motivation I always come to your site. 🙂 And something made me click on this post. Thank you for sharing. You aren’t a fake or a phony! You’re a human. Just remember that. And you’re not the only person going through this, and I think that’s something we can all remember. So, thank you for the inspiration today. 🙂 Good luck, I know you can reach your goal!!!

  5. Sara Harrison
    March 13, 2012 at 10:53 pm

    Tera, from the moment I met you, you inspired me to push harder, work harder and go after what I want. I believe in you. I’m behind you. You can do ANYTHING.

  6. kimmee
    March 13, 2012 at 1:13 pm

    Tera honey thank u so much for your honesty.. i to had been feeling someone like you and al i can say i’m so glad im not alone. Thank you im joining u on myfittnesspal.

  7. March 12, 2012 at 11:53 pm

    Oh girl.. we’ve all been there. I have been on a diet roller coaster all of my adult life. My weight gains ALWAYS start with feeling good and like I can fudge my eating habits a little. It’s such a hard road to walk.
    I lived in Newport, RI for a year while my husband attended the Naval War College. I became a fan of yours after seeing you on the Rhode show. I now live on the west coast and still follow your blog. You’re amazing!!! Keep up the good work.

  8. @beansNboo
    March 11, 2012 at 4:50 pm

    Tera. It’s a marathon, not a race. We can’t always be perfect, but thats all part of changing your lifestyle, right? Whether you lose that weight or not, you should focus on making yourself proud. That said, you can definitely do it. I will follow along and encourage on myfitnesspal 🙂

  9. Melody Green
    March 10, 2012 at 5:48 pm

    Hi Tera, This is your MOM. First I dont think you have done anything that any of us have never done whether it be on FB or in the office. But I will tell you that every friend I have ever had, failed on Weight Watchers and another 20 lbs more after failure. JUst this last year drs have began to look at the cells and metabolic makeup of women. Weight is cell driven too. Like diabetes, heart and the adrenals. I have learned so much lately about cells and their importance to be successful. I urge you to additionally look at the clinics around you and see if there are any clinical trials to study metabolic syndrome. Clinical trials are free and the labs are valuble to your life. You see those people who can eat anything and gain a pound here or there but they dont pay attention to calories or the amt of exercise to burn them off. Metabolic, their genetics are good. You can now stage and manage your genetics thru these break thrus. I dont know but your whole life is dance. I have just been seeing you teaching again and making little girls and boys life full. I also think you need to look into certifying, start at the Y and then go for profit. Whatever you have posted was yesterday and today you let go, dont bring it back tomorrow! If you have a blip just go on and keep on. Just clear your mind and do not let the past come to the future. And remember adults make their choices they are the ones who have to live with the choice they make no matter what the situation. You are not responsible for anyone else except for you and Zac and your home and your hubby. Love you MOM

  10. March 10, 2012 at 3:50 pm

    Tera, it’s such a vicious cycle when you eat unhealthily because you’re unhappy and you’re unhappy because you eat unhealthily. I, too, know this too well! Thank you for this honest post. I’ve been injured for about a year and for awhile couldn’t work out at all, much less run, which has always been part of my identity. It has been a struggle to find my way out of the binge-eating depression that comes with being sedentary and gaining weight. I know that all of us who really want to get back on track CAN! I have been slowly getting back to working out – not at the intensity or speed I used to be able to, but I’m trying to remind myself that something is better than nothing. The food part is a struggle for me, too, but for the last few weeks I’ve been determined, and can already see and feel a difference. We’re all in this together! xo

  11. shirin
    March 10, 2012 at 3:41 pm

    Dear Tera, I liked you page on facebook and tonight that I saw the title I came to read it altough I did not really know that you achieved that journey….All I can say is you did it once and you can do it again! Your text reminded me of playing games like poker whenever I won a lot I gamble harder and played more and lose every penny I got till finally I dicided to really take care of all I got and play with it carefully…Well it was not a right example but now that you saw the journey that you achieved and succeed once of course you can succeed again bcause you know how! I was like 150pound myself for 3 years and now im just 110 Im not dieting hard and Im not doing cardio 24/7 all i do is balance eating…cheat meal once a week, weight training 6days a week back/biceps, Chest/ Triceps/, Legs/calves/shoulders followed by 20min cardio 4times a week and 1 hours cardio on rest day! Focus more on weight training and go for brisk walking once you wake up and before you sleep dont overboard yourself with indoor cardio machines incrporate some fun like zumba classes etc…Im so proud that you went through that journey and Im assure that this time you will hit 140! but only one suggestion! PLZ dont weight yourself!!!!! thats the biggest mistake just weigh yourself every month or 2month not every week! I wish you all the best…Good luck

  12. Eugenei
    March 10, 2012 at 3:23 pm

    Tera! you are an amazing inspiration! you are one of the reasons I started my weight loss journey! the few times I went to the classes at the Y really helped me!! Now I’m a regular at the Y lol!!! because of YOU! hee heee… Your attitude towards life and enjoying it to the fullest is one of your best qualities!!! People are inspired by you! I have lost 72 pound since April last year! and my battle isn’t over yet either… I am feeling really good now (being in that comfortable zone)… and your post really helped me to take stock and not get tooo comfy… Girl you did it once and you CAN do it again! Thank you for your honesty! I bet that weight on your shoulders that are OFF now makes you feel so much better… Hugs my friend! Sooo go ahead!!! get your act together and get your mind in the game!!! Stay focused and you will beat those demons of depression!!! You can DO IT!!! 🙂

  13. Asa-Marie
    March 10, 2012 at 2:43 pm

    Thank you, thank you for sharing this! You aren’t the only one feeling that way! I got “comfortable” and the weight just kept coming. I was up to 205 in December and that was not ok with me. I had no clothes that fit, I was tired all of the time, and grouchy! One day, it hit me…I can’t keep living like this! So from that day, I started what I call the “put the fork down and get off my butt” plan! Haha! I started eating healthier, watching my portions, tracking my calories, and got up off my butt and started MOVING! It has helped soooo much! I am as of yesterday down 35 lbs and feeling great. I actually enjoy working out and love the results I’m seeing and having the energy to do stuff. My girls have been a big part of it. They both love to run, (Hannah is on the cros country track team at AJH) and they get me out in the evenings to run, even of I’m not feeling like it.
    Don’t get discouraged Tera! You have been a great encouragement for me and do many others. This set back that you have had just proves that you are human. Realize your mistakes and move on! Go on girl! Get healthy!! Love ya!!

  14. March 10, 2012 at 2:39 pm

    Good for you. Its incredibly brave to be so honest and I definitely respect that so much. Lots of us are in the same boat and I appreciate you sharing your story and journey with us!!

    You can do it!

  15. March 10, 2012 at 2:14 pm

    You should never feel ashamed for being honest with yourself and with others! Keep it up on your journey!

  16. March 10, 2012 at 2:09 pm

    hugs tera. don’t be embarassed. its hard for all of us. i’m still working on my weight loss from 2004. yup, i said it 2004. you can do it girl. xoxo

  17. Susan (@kungfupussy)
    March 10, 2012 at 1:56 pm

    You have nothing to ask for forgiveness for. You are human. We’ve all gone up and down with our weight and we’ve all seen photos of ourselves and cried. I know I have, many many times. This post was amazing and thanks for sharing again your struggle. Let us know how we can help 🙂

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